I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
