Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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