Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
