did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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