It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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