he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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