after a month anything with tits is on the radar
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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