i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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