Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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