and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
