jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
