you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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