atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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