I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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