I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
