he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize