Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
