Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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