Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
We are two peas in an std pod
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
