I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
