I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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