someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
organizing the empties. That sober.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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