I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
