I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
