i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
