Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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