He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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