I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm like, not good at living.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
