does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
