Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You need Xanax blowdarts
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
