i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
