Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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