My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
