cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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