When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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