i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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