some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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