so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Randomize
