I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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