I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
