I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
