what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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