i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
