My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I think people are normalizing furries
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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