Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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