Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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