My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
