If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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