Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize