Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
