After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
