So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
