well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
