I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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