Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Sorry about my life...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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