Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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