I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Having a random hookup so left but love u
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
