Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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